One of the hardest things to do is to earn someone’s trust, yet this is the foundation of any solid relationship. It starts off as blind faith. The other person merely hopes that you won’t let them down.
With enough time, they’ll realize if you’re able to hold your end of the bargain or not. That’s what make it so difficult. You have to make yourself prone to heartbreak when you’re building your trust on someone. It’s that vulnerability that makes people shy away from even just from concept of it. Have you ever found yourself saying…
“My boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t trust me and I’ve done nothing wrong”
You have to feel secure enough in yourself and in your relationship to let the person go and live their life without fearing that he or she will not do anything to betray you.
In the ideal world, your significant other will never do anything to hurt you. But we live in a world that’s far from perfect and we’re bound to get our hearts broken one way or another.
After a slew of bad relationships where your trust was broken, it gets harder and harder to open up and trust new people. You learn from your disappointment and you toughen up.
That’s why you’re probably here reading this. You’re dealing with someone who’s hardened and won’t just rely on your words and give their trust freely.
First, you have to understand where they’re coming from. If they’ve been cheated on in the past or they grew up in a household where trust was nonexistent, then it totally makes sense for them to be the way that they are.
They are victims of misfortune. If you’re the same way, then you’d know the feeling of having your heart shattered upon learning that the person you expect the most out of did something to let you down.
It’s natural for people who know what this feels like to fold up and build a wall around them. It’s frustrating to unlearn how to be mistrustful and it’s as equally frustrating to tear down the wall your significant other has built up to protect themselves.
You’re both going to have to struggle if you want to keep this relationship alive. This is not going to be easy and it needs a lot of dedication. Establishing trust is essential, but it is difficult.
It’s a miracle that your significant other has taken a leap to love you even if they don’t trust you completely – let’s get that thing clear. They’re slowly entertaining the chance that they might trust again.
The bad news is that they probably don’t love you 100% because that kind of love is impossible without trust. This is probably why you’re hurting right now.
You’re in love with someone who doesn’t really trust you. They keep their eye on you like a watchdog, tracking your every move, staying on top of what you do online, learning about where you are and who you’re with at all times.
If you’re being shady or you don’t have a clean track record, then their behavior is not unfounded. If you’re not doing anything wrong and you’re faithful to a tee, then this kind of behavior is probably hurting you.
You start to second guess yourself and you’re way too mindful of everything you do. You’re just not living anymore. You’re aligning your life completely to what the other person wants.
Even though relationships can’t be fair all the time, there has to be some semblance of it. It’s a give and take and neither of you should be expected to bend over backwards to accommodate each other’s crazy needs. A loving person should do that, but within reason.
You have to know that you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re a good person and it’s not your fault that your significant other doesn’t trust you. It’s their problem. It’s their brokenness.
They’re letting their past get the better of them and comparing you to people who you’re probably have nothing in common with. Just because some ex broke their heart, doesn’t mean you will. Just because their parent ran out on them, doesn’t mean you will. You’re your own person.
At this point, all you can do is comfort the other person and make them realize that you’re different. You love is real and unchanging. If you’re doing everything you can to make them trust you and you’re not seeing them let down their guard just a little bit, you have to ask yourself if it’s even worth it to keep the relationship going.
Maybe they need some time to work on themselves and to figure out that no everybody is out to get them. Pain can make us oblivious to good things that are happening in our lives. Maybe they can’t quite see what a catch you are because they’re fixating on the past.
If that’s the case, then maybe it’s time for a little talk. To have a great relationship, you both have to take care of yourselves individually. They have to sort out their issues with or without your help.
The problem that’s staring both of you in the face is that your significant other hasn’t moved on from the pain that they’ve felt in the past. That is just as addictive as the feeling of falling on love with someone new.
We hold on to pain because we get some sick pleasure out of it. It doesn’t make sense, but a lot of people operate this way. We train ourselves to get comfort out of our hang-ups and we hurt the people who currently love us in the process.
It’s not your job as a good partner to neglect your plans, stop seeing your friends, and not communicate platonically with certain people just because your significant other would rather have you all to his or herself.
Their trust issues have nothing to with you in the slightest – provided that you’re trustworthy in the first place.
Here are some warning signs that your efforts to mend their heart just isn’t working:
- You feel guilty even if you didn’t do anything wrongIt hurts to be accused of something you didn’t even do. If your SO has made a habit of this, making you out to be this bad person, then it can get pretty toxic for you.
- They hog your timeAs an individual, you should be able to stay connected with yourself. Yes, having an SO would mean cutting down the time you spend for your hobbies and your friends, but that doesn’t mean that they should be gone entirely. If you find yourself having to deal with your SO’s issues all day, every day, then it’s time to throw in the towel. You’re someone’s SO, not a babysitter or bodyguard.
- You’re not seeing any progressLet’s say that they’ve acknowledged that there is something wrong. They’ve bared their heart and told you how they got hurt in the past and you willingly accept it and offer ways for both of you to move forward. They’ve apologized and said that they’ll try to be better. But it’s been a while and you still haven’t seen any progress. They still have you on a leash and you find yourself explaining things that you shouldn’t even have to. Doesn’t this seem one-sided? Both of you should be working on your relationship, not just you alone.
- They compare you to their exesThis is a flaming red flag if there ever was one. Your significant other should know that their ex has nothing to do with your relationship. They don’t have the right to compare you to anyone.
- You feel that they’re guilty of what they’re accusing you ofSometimes, people deflect what they feel about themselves onto others. Since you’re their SO, it’s natural that you’re the target for this. If he or she is the one who’s cheating, then they might be having a hard time trusting you because they’re justifying their actions by believing that you’re doing the same thing.
Any of these sound familiar? What should you do now?
You’re not there to “fix” your SO, you’re there to support them. At the end of the day, the one person who can resolve their issues is themselves.
All you can do is provide a loving environment that they can feel safe in and recuperate. Keep doing what you’re doing and be honest and kind.
Tolerating their out-of-the-blue calls and invasive questions might help them build their trust and keep their peace of mind.
If it gets too out of hand though, then it’s probably time to call it quits. It’s important to realize that this will take some time.
If you really think that the person you’re with is worth all the trouble, then by all means, stick it out. You just have to remember to take care of yourself and not accept abuse.
Because you have to realize that some of this behavior is borderline abuse. If your SO is straight up trying to control you, then you have a much bigger issue on your hands.
Photo by Christiana Rivers on Unsplash