“Why can’t I find a good man to love me?”
“Why can’t I keep a man interested in me?”
“What wrong with me that I can’t keep a man?”
“Why don’t my relationships last long?”
Are these questions that you’ve asked yourself? If so, you aren’t alone. Women of all ages around the world have asked or are asking themselves the exact same questions.
While knowing that countless others are feeling exactly the same way that you are may offer some degree of comfort, trying to figure out why you can’t find a good man and maintain a long-term, happy relationship make you feel really down-trodden; in fact, it can make you feel downright depressed.
By nature, humans are pack animals. Like all other animals, humans also have a natural sexual desire.
These traits combined explain why we have an innate desire to find people that we can connect with and develop positive intimate relationships with. Long-term intimate relationships boost our sense of well-being, and increase our sense of self-worth.
A positive long-lasting relationship can also help to improve our mental health, as it’s very comforting to know that we’re accepted by someone and that another person finds us sexually attractive, despite our flaws.
So, now that you know why you have such a strong urge to find a long-lasting, intimate relationship, there’s no doubt that you’re wondering why you can’t seem to find a man that you really connect with and who you can maintain a healthy, positive relationship with for a long period of time.
While it’s true that it does seem like the pool of good males does seem to be getting smaller and smaller these days, (if you’ve ever used a dating site like Tinder, OkCupid, eHarmony, and Match, you’ve seen that for yourself), which can certainly make it seem like there’s really no hope and that good men no longer exist.
The truth is, however, that there still are decent men out there; men who have good morals, are driven, who will treat women respectfully, and who – just like you – are look for a good relationship, too. But if that’s the case, why have you had such a hard time finding a man who wants the same things as you do, or when you find someone who seems like he’s a good fit, it turns out that something goes wrong and the relationship ends abruptly?
Below, you’ll find out some of the reasons why you haven’t been able to find a good man or hold onto a long-lasting relationship. You’ll also find some tips that you can use that may be able to help improve your chances of finding a good man who would be worthy of having you a long-term relationship with.
How You Are Harming Your Chances of Finding Lasting Love
If you’re trying to find a man who would be a good fit for you, a big part of being able to success rests with maximizing your chances of actually find a good man in the first place.
While it isn’t your intention, like so many women, you may actually end up sabotaging yourself when it comes to trying to find a good guy to date.
Here’s a look at some of the things that you may be doing wrong to sabotage yourself and your chances of trying to find Mr. Right.
- You have a specific “type” that you refuse to depart from. Tall, dark-haired, smoldering eyes, sun-kissed skin, and perfectly chiseled abs; think, mid-height, blonde, light eyes, and intellectual; many women have a specific “type” of man that they’re looking for and that’s the only type of man that they will consider. While sure, finding someone who fits your “type”, no deviating from the description you have outlined and swiping past anyone who doesn’t fit into that category can be very detrimental. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having standards; however, refusing to even consider someone who doesn’t look exactly like the man you have dreamed up in your head, or who listens to the same style of music or reads the same genre of literature is a surefire sign that you are being way too picky. It goes without saying that you want to find someone who you will mesh with, think about how many men you are missing out on just because they don’t fit into your archetype.
- You pursue any man you meet. If there’s one thing that’s certain, desperation is a turn-off. If you’re longing for a relationship, trying to jump on any man who comes your way is more than likely going to end up being disastrous. Being a bit direct is one thing, but being downright aggressive and constantly calling, following, and coincidentally showing up wherever the guy you’ve been eyeing is kind of creepy. Any decent man won’t want to be with a woman who seems desperate or who seems like they’re just seeking a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. Would you want a man who would be fine with developing a relationship with just any woman? No? Well, the same thing is true for men.
- Looking for someone without flaws. As we said above, having standards is certainly a good thing; however, having your standards set way too high is essentially setting yourself up for disappointment. Even if you do end up finding someone who seems flawless, the truth of the matter is that NO ONE is free of flaws! Whether it’s related to their appearance, their taste in music, the way they dress, or a quirk, everyone is flawed to some degree. If you’re goal is to find someone flawless, it’s more than likely that you’re never going to find someone who will please you and having a positive, healthy relationship.
- Only using dating sites. While there may be tons of dating sites out there, and while you may have friends who have found their special someone on dating sites, if you’re only using these sites in your search for love, you’re doing yourself a disservice. Sure, there’s a chance that you could find someone who will make your heart sing, the reality is that there aren’t any guarantees.
- Being too high-maintenance. There’s no denying the fact that you should look for someone who will treat you with respect and who will go out of their way to make you happy, you also shouldn’t be high-maintenance. Sure, it’s nice to be pampered and to receive gifts, but expecting to be showered with pampering and gifts on a constant basis, and thinking that the many you’re with will always drop everything to attend to your every need, isn’t going to do you any good. Men don’t like high-maintenance – heck, nobody likes high-maintenance! If you are demanding, whiny, or freak out and have a temper tantrum whenever you aren’t the focus of attention, don’t be surprised if any man that you have a relationship ends up dumping you sooner rather than later; no one in their right mind is going to tolerate your demands.
- Never making the first move. A lot of women wait for the men to make the first move. That’s because it’s long been assumed that men are supposed to be dominant and women are supposed to be submissive. While that may have been true at one point in time, in the 21st century, that certainly isn’t the case. In fact, today, a lot of men would prefer a woman who doesn’t have any trouble with taking the reins and making the first move. Believe it or not, a lot of men are timid and they avoid approaching women that they’re interested in because they fear that they’re going to be refused. As such, if you are never willing to make the first move, you could end up missing out on a really great relationship.
- Being awkward. A big part of dating – especially in the beginning of a relationship – is having proper social etiquette skills and being able to communicate effectively. If you’re awkward, you say inappropriate things, you don’t know how to react, you’re always putting yourself down, or you constantly do anything else that seems strange and off-putting, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re going to end up turning a guy away instead of making him more intrigued.
- Being too easy. Hook-up culture is a real thing, and when you’re young and just looking to have fun, hooking up is fine; however, when you’re trying to make a serious connection with a man and develop a long-term relationship, you really need to get out of the “hook-up” frame of mind. If you’re still holding onto those hooking up habits, there’s a pretty good chance that you won’t be able to set yourself up for a serious relationships; in other words, if you go straight to “dessert” (if you know what we mean) the first tie you meet a guy, there’s a pretty good chance that you won’t develop a more meaningful relationship. While physical attraction and intimacy are definitely keys to a strong, healthy relationship, if you’re giving it up to quickly, so to speak, the guy you’re seeing may not want to develop a deeper connection with you.
Tips to Help you Find the Right Guy
Now that we’ve looked at eight reasons why you may be sabotaging your love life, let’s discuss things that you can do to develop a meaningful relationship.
But first, let’s look at some tips that you can use to find the right guy for you; someone who would be worth your while to attempt pursuing a deep connection and long-lasting relationship with; after all, in order to have a long-term bond, the first thing you need to do is find a guy that’s right for you.
- Stop looking for a guy. It might sound counterintuitive, but believe it or not, if your goal is to develop a good relationship with a guy, you really need to stop searching for one. If you’re constantly looking for a man, you’re going to obsess, and when you obsess about anything, you tend to make rushed and rash decisions that could end up being really bad. For example, you may just settle for someone – anyone of the opposite sex – just because you are longing for a relationship, and if you take that approach, while there’s a chance that you may be able to find someone who you would really want to have a meaningful relationship with, odds are that they’re going to be someone that you’re just settling for.
- Be more open-minded. As discussed above, while you should definitely have standards, if you are way too picky and you won’t even consider anyone outside of your ideals – someone who doesn’t necessarily fit your “type” or who is may not be into everything that you’re into, you could end up missing out on some really awesome guys. By being more open-minded, you could increase your chances of finding someone who will pleasantly take you by surprise. For example, if you’re normally into the tall, dark, and handsome type, stop swiping past anyone who doesn’t fit that description; look past the photos and read the descriptions; it could turn out that someone who looks totally different than who you would normally go for will actually end up being better suited for you (of course, that isn’t to say that you should completely nix attraction, as you definitely need to be physically attracted to someone in order for a relationship to work).
- Get outside your comfort zone. If you’re only using dating sites to try and find the love of your life but you’ve yet to actually find someone, then you need to really consider moving outside your comfort zone. While sure, you can still continue to use dating sites, you should seriously think about trying another route. Try using the good-old method of going out and interacting; go out to more up-scale bars, hit the gym, try taking classes on topics that interest you, for example. Ask the people you know if they know anyone that they could match you up with. If you’re really serious about finding a good guy who you can start a good relationship with, you need to realize that you probably aren’t going to find someone if you’re using the same old methods that haven’t worked so far. By expanding your horizons and putting yourself out there more, you’ll increase your chances of finding someone.
- Be more direct. Remember how we said that one of the reasons why you may not be having luck in your love life could be because you’re being too submissive? Well, it’s true! So, go ahead and give a more direct approach a try. You might find it a big hard at first, but have confidence in yourself! You’re an awesome person, so just go ahead and be yourself; don’t be afraid to show the real you and whatever you do, don’t change who you are – don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t, act in ways that you normally never would, or say that you’re into things that you really aren’t, for example. Instead, be upfront, put yourself out there, and don’t be afraid to show who you are.
- Stop assuming that you know what you want. While it may sound a little absurd – after all, nobody knows what you want better than you do – but, while that may be true, it’s also true that you may not know exactly what it is that you want; the fact is that not many people do unless they have some in-depth dating experience. Like many people, you might have a long list of traits and features that you’re looking for in a partner, and while those things are certainly important, it’s important to keep in mind that they’re just a theory. By always assuming that you know what it is that you want, you could disillusion yourself, and you may end up looking past someone who would actually be a really good fit for you.
Tips to Develop a Meaningful Relationship
So, we’ve reviewed some handy tips that you can use to find a good guy. Once you put those tips to use and you do successfully find someone who you are physically attracted to, you mesh with, and you really get along with.
Let’s take a look at some tips that you can use to help you develop a more meaningful connection with in an attempt to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship with.
- Keep things into perspective. Know what’s important to be alarmed about and make a big deal about and what isn’t. Don’t obsess about everything; keep your cool, unless keeping your cool isn’t really necessary. For example, if your new guy hasn’t texted you back within five minutes or if he wants to have a night with the guys, don’t blow up; remember that he might be doing something that would prevent him from getting to the phone (working, showering, cooking, or even sleeping, for example), and sometimes everyone needs to have some time away from one another However, on the other hand, you should also know when it’s important to address things that concern you; for instance, if he never seems to text you back or you have to text him over and over again before he responds, or if he is always planning a night out with the guys and seems to spend more time with them than with you, then you may want to bring up your concerns, but remember to discuss them in a civil manner.
- Avoid being demanding. Yes, you should expect to be treated with respect and your guy should be polite to you and do sweet things unexpectedly; however, you shouldn’t be demanding. If you have to demand that your guy treats you with respect, is polite to you, and does nice things for you, and you have to keep bringing it up, well, then, you probably aren’t with the right guy.
- Work on building a genuine connection. Dating can be pretty nerve wracking. It’s totally normal to worry about how someone you met will react to you, even once you’re comfortable with one another; for example, as you become comfortable, you may be a big hesitant about showing even more of your personality and sharing more of yourself. However, sharing the real you is the best way to build a positive connection. In order to have a healthy relationship, you really need to be able to show who you are without feeling like you’re being judged. The same thing is true for him, too; your guy should be able to show who he really is to you without having to worry that you will judge him. When you’re real with each other, you can build a more genuine connection, and a genuine connection is one of the pillars of a healthy relationship.
- Try new things. Once you and your guy are really comfortable with each other and you’ve been together for a while, it isn’t unusual to start doing the same thing over and over again. While being completely comfortable and finding your groove is definitely a good thing, if you keep doing the same things on a constant basis, you’re going to end up getting stuck in a rut; and once you get stuck in a rut, things can start getting boring. Be willing to be adventurous and try new things; whether it’s trying new food, going someplace you’ve never been before, or even trying something new in the bedroom, trying new things is a great way to keep your relationship fresh, fun, and exciting.
Summing It Up
If you’ve been trying to find a guy that you can have a healthy, long-lasting relationship with but it seems like you’re always coming up short-handed, you may be feeling a bit downtrodden. Don’t give up hope! With the information presented above, you should be able to set yourself up for finding a great guy and developing a positive, lasting relationship.